Why can't I just say no?
On caving, then raging.
I was in two minds about posting this essay. Was it too long? Too late? (I’ve been sick and skipped a week - sorry about that!) Would it add value for readers? Or was it just a self-indulgent woe-is-me rant?
Then I read ’s post That thing you’re afraid to share, where she wrote about sharing personal stuff:
“I felt nervous every time. And every time, someone told me that what I’d written helped them feel less alone, or encouraged when they needed, or even just a moment of respite from the challenges of being alive at this moment in history.”
And I decided, if this post resonates with one reader and brings them some benefit, then, job done. It’s worth sharing. I hope maybe that reader is you.
Side note: If you aren’t already signed up, do yourself a favour and subscribe to Robin’s Substack, Creative Letters. There’s always a nugget of wisdom in those daily notes of encouragement, often exactly the message I didn’t know I needed to hear.
Hi, I’m Holly - certified coach, Breathworks mindfulness facilitator and author of Zestful Zen. My mission is helping you to lead a more mindful, meaningful life, full of zest and energy, complemented by a calm, zen mind. Join the supportive Zestful Zen community today. 💖✨
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Do as I say, not as I do…
Like many people, I’m terrible at taking my own advice: Rest. Set boundaries. Say no when you need to…
These things seem simple if life is going smoothly. But when the pressure is on, sometimes my good intentions and assertiveness desert me.
I just don’t have the energy to fight my corner.
I’m sure you’ve been there too.
You know you want to…
A few weeks ago, my manager asked me to take on an important, time-sensitive project (a one-day event), on top of my already heavy workload.
He knew I had a lot on my plate, and that I was also dealing with bereavement.
So of course, the “request” came with a “you can say no…” caveat, delivered in just the right tone that allowed him to ask a favour guilt-free whilst also making it clear he 100% expected me to say yes.
Why else would he go directly to me rather than offering up the “development opportunity” to our whole team (which is how these tasks are meant to be allocated, to fairly spread the load/visibility around).
I wanted to say no. I knew I was already overloaded. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy this project (or gain any “development” from it). And I knew I should say no.
But I felt obliged to say yes. So, I did.
Hello burnout, my old friend!
Cue a fortnight of exhaustion as I tried to keep on top of my “day job” whilst also delivering the project.
Cancelled evening yoga classes. Lunches inhaled at my desk as I caught up on emails. Takeouts for dinner as I got home after the supermarket closed.
I worked through obvious illness at the end (acknowledged with a “hope you feel better soon”, but no offer of help with the project).
I delivered a successful event last Thursday that senior staff were pleased with.
And then my body said, “no more”.
Simmering resentment boils over
The last straw came when I felt so rough I finally took a sick day last Friday.
I’d woken at 4am because of my stupid cold and try as I might, couldn’t fall asleep again. So, I gave up after an hour and got up.
The after-event report was due, so I worked for two hours and submitted it to my manager for approval, telling him I was going back to bed but would check in at lunchtime.
He was too busy to respond until 3:30pm. He hoped I had “managed some sleep” and asked that I upload it to the system that afternoon.
Or if I was too sick today (hello, that’s why I’ve taken a sick day?!), I could delay it until Monday (when he knew I’d be off on leave).
No offer to upload it for me, which would have been pretty simple for him to do. If I hadn’t been so exhausted, I might have lost my temper and sent him a few choice words. Probably a silver lining there!
Instead, I went back to bed. Again.
Why is it so hard to say no?
I’m almost more angry at myself than my manager. As usual, it seems I wore myself out for little recognition or appreciation. Why do I never learn? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why, why, why?!
Taking a moment to breathe, I notice a pattern.
When my boss wants to make sure shit gets done, instead of opening opportunities to everyone, he taps up the same two or three people (like me).
The reliable ones. The dependable ones. The conscientious ones. The ones who put their heads down and get on with the job. The ones who don’t say no.
Funnily enough, we’re all women.
Yes women
I’ve been thinking about the gender dynamics of saying no a lot lately.
Wondering why it’s always the women in my team that get lumped with the thankless tasks, and the “corporate contributions” that benefit all but somehow have no impact on ratings at end of year appraisal time.
Why do we keep saying yes? Is it social conditioning? Do we want to keep the harmony, and appear as “team players”? How many women like me are quietly acquiescing, biting their lips while inwardly seething?
Why are we guilt-tripped into these tasks but then overlooked at performance review in favour of the men (and a tiny minority of more assertive women) who save their precious time for higher-profile “sexy” projects that garner attention?
Why do we say yes, time and time again, when really, we want to say, fuck no!
Under the spotlight
A few months ago, I started reading Vanessa Patrick’s book The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No That Puts You in Charge of Your Life.
I’ve found it a slow read – perhaps too drawn out for me in my low-energy state (I need solutions now!), but there are some real insights in there.
Vanessa’s research showed some interesting gender differences in what she’s dubbed “The Spotlight Effect” – where you feel the pressure to say yes because attention is on you when a request is made (especially a public ask, like a wedding proposal at sports stadium, eek!)
She compared male and female reactions when a “social ask” is made (i.e. a request in front of others) versus a “solo ask” (no witnesses to the request). She found that:
Men and women felt the focus of attention equally for social asks (5 on a scale of 7), but women felt it more for solo asks than men did (4.4 vs. 4.1).
In social asks, women felt slightly more obligated to say yes than men (4.5 vs. 4.2), but for solo asks, they felt much more obligated than men (4.5, i.e. just as obligated as for a public ask, while men only rated obligation at 2.9 out of 7).
On guilt, women felt almost no shift between social and solo asks (4.5 vs. 4.3), while men dropped from 4.3 to 3.8.
It seems like women feel under the spotlight, obligated and guilty, even if they’re asked a favour privately. Whereas men mostly only feel pressured when they have an audience who would witness them saying no.
I guess women are socialised to always be considering others, even when no one is looking? Surprise, surprise!
What to do?
So, where does this leave me?
Well, after getting mad at myself for being such a pushover, I cut myself some slack. It’s tough standing up for yourself when you’re exhausted.
Along with self-compassion, I regained my assertiveness and said a total NO to work and rested for several days. Now that I’m better, I’m determined not to keep caving.
I’m going to finish Vanessa’s book and read a couple of others that were recommended to me, and try putting their suggested techniques into practice.
If they work well, expect a “how to say no” post in the near future!
Questions for self-reflection or journalling ✍️
What would you like to say no to, but don’t? Why?
What is the cost of saying yes, when you want to say no?
Who do you find it hardest to say no to? Why?
When is it easier for you to say no? Can you apply this in other circumstances?
Now take action 🎯
I don’t have the answers on “saying no” right now, as this post shows! So I’m not going to offer any action steps this week. Instead, I’ll share some books that were recommended to me, that you might find useful too:
The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No That Puts You in Charge of Your Life by Vanessa Patrick, PhD. I’m finding it a bit dry and drawn-out, but I’m going to persevere given the good reviews.
The Power of A Positive No by William Ury. Recommended by a colleague who’s a champion of great management.
Share your perspective ✨
I’d love to hear your reflections on saying no, feeling obligated, and setting boundaries. When do you struggle with this? Have you got any great tips to share? Let’s have a conversation in the comments or subscriber chat. 💬
Ways to connect or work with me 💬
DM me, jump in the subscriber chat, or connect via my website, LinkedIn or Instagram 😁 I offer coaching sessions and mindfulness courses.
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I can completely relate on everything you have said. And like you, being kind to yourself and giving you the time needed to rest seems like the most difficult thing in the world. I agree with Robin too, your manager knew full well what they were doing. I am on my last week of notice for my job and someone commented that I've never been appreciated fully for what I do. I am leaving for disability reasons, my manager even said my exit form "made for sad reading and she was sorry I was failed by her and the company". Sad. I hope you feel better soon and that the time you are giving yourself does what it needs to ✨️
Oooh, this story made me mad for you (and at your manager/patriarchy/toxic masculinity/hypercapitalism/hustle culture)! But I'm so glad you shared it. It's such an important message. I'd only add that I hope you can continue to cut yourself slack. The main person at fault here isn't you -- it's your manager, who (likely knowingly) put you in a lose-lose situation.